VO-BB - 20 YEARS OLD!

[Spacegypsy]

I was wondering what happened with the lovely Jill, and also why I was getting reports about strange pelvic illuminations at British raves.

I now have a craving for a Wagon Wheel, haven't thought about one in years, which I swear used to be HUGE and then became more like Dinky Toy Wheels.

A trip down to the British Shop in the village is in order, there goes my diet. I wonder if they sell the cream, too, as it's getting colder and it's very difficult to read snuggled under the bed covers - I'm sure my husband wouldn't mind serving as a safe under-quilt reading lamp, he's such a sweetie and a stickler for fire regulations.

[Philip Banks]

“……….. can dake ma aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrssse offen you-oooo” the closing phrase of Dennis’s contribution to the Portgordon League of aul fowk Christmas entertainment.

“I think it was You’re just tae good to be true by Andy Williams” whispered Jill under the polite applause “nice tae hear such a variety of keys in one song, pity none of them were musical”.

Dennis de L’amor, as he likes to be called when he is on stage singing, thinks he is a local showbiz icon. He is around 50 years old, weighs in at around 5 stone minus jewellery but on stage with rings, bracelets, neck chain and medallions is closer to 12 stone. His cologne is a potent mix of icing sugar, Brut, marine diesel and world war one mustard gas, not only does it knock the ladies dead it has also turned the entire dog population within a 10km radius of the village into asthmatics. His inspiration for stage wear has dovetailed the worst elements of wedding pageboy and New York pimp.

Having thought about the above you are no doubt wondering why Dennis McCray, butcher of this parish a.k.a Dennis de L’amor, cabaret artiste (as per business card) is booked solid months in advance. The reason is the man is so bad he is a genius! He has no idea how bad he is and if he ever discovered that would be the end of it. For stage presence Dennis wears a toupee which is three shades lighter than his eyebrows and his “Elvis type” side burns, the parting on this toupee always points stage front no matter what Dennis does whilst singing. So the wearer moves around whereas the toupee does not.

“One more number before you go, Dennis!” I shout, quickly followed by a dig in the ribs by Jill. The rest of the audience join in. A rye smile from Dennis as he re-takes the stage.

“Thank you. Yes, hey, thank you all very mucha indeeda. Musica professora, if you please-a” he postures and we all know what’s coming, his signature tune On top of the world by The Carpenters. “Dutch a feelers comin o’er mear and iza curmin drew esspecialy fer-you. Anner reasal it glear iz percoz due are dear…….”

Yes, Dennis instinctively knows all the words to every popular song, he must do as he doesn’t appear to have learned them. This performance is his best, the toupee is gyroscopically mounted and so no amount of physical interpretation moves it from its fixed heading. The audience marvel at this man made rug which seems to defy gravity and fixedly resists the toe-tapping temptation to enter into the spirit of the song.

Enthusiasm is now at fever pitch, Dennis is singing at an unidentifiable pitch and he takes a deep breath for the big finish. First word, nice and powerful…..too powerful. His top set of false teeth shot out across the stage and land in my pint of Guinness. As the music plays on the great performer drops the mic causing a thump and an awful whistling feedback, rushes to my table grabs the beer glass and downs my drink in one. His cheeks wobble, his lips seems to rotate, gnashers back in situ he smiles an oh so perfect smile, bows and leaves the building to a standing ovation.

“Pity about the end” I shout in Jill’s ear.

“Not really” grinned Jill “I’ve known him for ten years and have never yet seen him buy a drink”.

[Philip Banks]

On behalf of the International Association of Anti Spam software beaters I'd just like to say

Molehill acrobat Kennedy wankel rotary engine pit stop soap it anorak pullover charismatic push rod doughnut pickled frankfurter zebra dungarees oops where is my Volvo coconut diamond face ache sort of peach colour to match my complexion rooty tooty baby finger fudge itst bitsy teenie weenie yellok poka dot bikini ram shackle showaddywaddy Elton John rectangular belly button elevator safety velvet now with wings yo deep voiced voice over timex polo mint vimto mushy peas incubator lissen up yall have yerselfs one very merry Christmas plus an abundant new year too

[Philip Banks]

I was tinkering with my mic, preamp and some new settings but found it impossible to be in two places at once. Ian popped into see me.

"Go in there and say something"

"Wait a minty I'll jes' git ma fiddle"

Happy Christmas from Portgordon in a mellow and very celtic kind of way.

http://thecorporatevoice.com/ianthefiddle.mp3

[Dan-O]

Ian and his fiddle are welcome to my house for Christmas anytime. And yes Phillip, you and your prose are welcome, too.

[allensco]

Merry Christmas to all from the Heart of Dixie

BTW Phil, Ian has my vote! Very nice

[Deirdre]

Well--!

That bit of fiddling from Ian is a loverly Christmas present, indeed.
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[Spacegypsy]

When you posted that at first I didn't catch the link for some reason.

Just listened now.

My husband Dante was summoned from the kitchen by the sound of Ian's playing from my office because it is so compelling.

So much REAL talent in Portgordon!

[Deirdre]

My husband, DeWitt-- who is a far greater snob than I-- asked to hear it twice.

We want to know more about this "Ian".
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[Spacegypsy]

Yes we do, and my husband Dante is a Juilliard professor - so Ian certainly pricked up some snobby ears in this house!

[Philip Banks]

http://www.highlandfiddles.co.uk/

His name is Ian Ross. He was here yesterday because Mrs B had bought a fiddle from him and was having a refresher course. The last time she played the violin was to hail the return o' Bonnie Prince Charlie. Ian bides up the brae and we bide doon the brae.

[Drew]

Same at our house. My son who studies the violin came in to hear the music. He also asks that we not refer to it as a "fiddle". That he says, is what "chaw chewin' country hacks" call it. No snobs 'round these parts I reckon.
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Although I have a full head of hair, I'm quite ribald.

[jrodriguez315]

Banksey,

Your posts in this thread had me in stitches. This was a particularly enjoyable foray into the archives. You must write a book or several someday. I for one will be an avid reader.

Thank you for the chuckles.
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Joe Rodriguez, Bilingual Voice Actor | The Voiceover Thespian Blog