VO-BB - 20 YEARS OLD!

[Philip Banks]

With apologies to those who have read this before, I thought it was worth a repeat performance.....

“……….. can dake ma aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrssse offen you-oooo” the closing phrase of Dennis’s contribution to the Portgordon League of aul fowk Christmas entertainment.

“I think it was You’re just tae good to be true by Andy Williams” whispered Jill under the polite applause “nice tae hear such a variety of keys in one song, pity none of them were musical”.

Dennis de L’amor, as he likes to be called when he is on stage singing, thinks he is a local showbiz icon. He is around 50 years old, weighs in at around 5 stone minus jewellery but on stage with rings, bracelets, neck chain and medallions is closer to 12 stone. His cologne is a potent mix of icing sugar, Brut, marine diesel and world war one mustard gas, not only does it knock the ladies dead it has also turned the entire dog population within a 10km radius of the village into asthmatics. His inspiration for stage wear has dovetailed the worst elements of wedding pageboy and New York pimp.

Having thought about the above you are no doubt wondering why Dennis McCray, butcher of this parish a.k.a Dennis de L’amor, cabaret artiste (as per business card) is booked solid months in advance. The reason is the man is so bad he is a genius! He has no idea how bad he is and if he ever discovered that would be the end of it. For stage presence Dennis wears a toupee which is three shades lighter than his eyebrows and his “Elvis type” side burns, the parting on this toupee always points stage front no matter what Dennis does whilst singing. So the wearer moves around whereas the toupee does not.

“One more number before you go, Dennis!” I shout, quickly followed by a dig in the ribs by Jill. The rest of the audience join in. A rye smile from Dennis as he re-takes the stage.

“Thank you. Yes, hey, thank you all very mucha indeeda. Musica professora, if you please-a” he postures and we all know what’s coming, his signature tune On top of the world by The Carpenters. “Dutch a feelers comin o’er mear and iza curmin drew esspecialy fer-you. Anner reasal it glear iz percoz due are dear…….”

Yes, Dennis instinctively knows all the words to every popular song, he must do as he doesn’t appear to have learned them. This performance is his best, the toupee is gyroscopically mounted and so no amount of physical interpretation moves it from its fixed heading. The audience marvel at this man made rug which seems to defy gravity and fixedly resists the toe-tapping temptation to enter into the spirit of the song.

Enthusiasm is now at fever pitch, Dennis is singing at an unidentifiable pitch and he takes a deep breath for the big finish. First word, nice and powerful…..too powerful. His top set of false teeth shot out across the stage and land in my pint of Guinness. As the music plays on the great performer drops the mic causing a thump and an awful whistling feedback, rushes to my table grabs the beer glass and downs my drink in one. His cheeks wobble, his lips seems to rotate, gnashers back in situ he smiles an oh so perfect smile, bows and leaves the building to a standing ovation.

“Pity about the end” I shout in Jill’s ear.

“Not really” grinned Jill “I’ve known him for ten years and have never yet seen him buy a drink”.

[bobsouer]

Philip,

Bravo! Well worth a second read, and for that matter, a tenth.
_________________
Be well,
Bob Souer (just think of lemons)
The second nicest guy in voiceover.
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