VO-BB - 20 YEARS OLD!

[Philip Banks]

Rule one when working on a film or TV location – Nothing should strike you as out of the ordinary. Rule two – If anything strikes you as out of the ordinary see Rule 1.

It was mid-July and I found myself in St Phillip’s, Bristol. A pub was covered both outside and in with Christmas decorations and half of a 45 seat coach was protruding from the building, the rest was in the bar/lounge. Next door to the pub was a metal staircase which led to the Crystal Dome Massage Parlour “Open 24 hours”. Parked next to the pub and the massage parlour were Ambulances, Police Cars, Fire and rescue service vehicles and a little further down the street were catering vans, crew cars, techie vehicles and all the paraphernalia associated with the production of “Casualty” the top rated BBC drama.

As we were shooting the Christmas special there would be a higher than average body count for the Doctors and Nurses to lose on the operating tables or in crash as it is the BBC’s public duty to ensure that the average viewer doesn’t feel too joyous and smug after a Christmas meal that would feed a small village in west Africa for 6 months.

For three days I spent 12 hours per day playing the part of a TV reporter, I even had my own TV News cameraman who was played by a Glenn who made his living as a nightclub comedian.

“Bloody hell!” exclaimed Ian one of the cast who played a Doctor “that’s a 50 grand camera you’ve got there”. He had noticed that Glenn’s camera was real and not a prop.

“Just as well” I replied “we’re doing a wedding at 3”. So the great actor walked on set to play an emotional scene with a dying man. They had to wait a few minutes for Dr Hero to stop laughing. He did. The director asked what was so funny. Ian shared the “wedding comment”. Scene delayed for another few minutes while cast and crew laugh.

Eventually the time came to shoot some interiors. Elaine stepped forward, she was the girl selected to play the Barmaid. She was gorgeous, immaculate from head to foot, a vision of loveliness ready to pull pints for Christmas drinkers in a local pub. Maggie from wardrobe, Maggie wardrobe assistant, Maggie from make-up and Maggie the make-up assistant stood in front of Elaine and looked her up and down, down and up, walked around her and tutted. Hair stylist Maggie and her assistant, Maggie joined the group. A large sheet of polythene was unrolled on the street outside the pub and on the sheet was sprinkled talcum powder and what looked like soot. Maggie make-up assistant rubbed her hands in it and Maggie hair assistant did the same. Maggie wardrobe pointed to the mess and looked at Elaine.

“Ok luvvy. Don’t take your shoes off, just lie at this end, roll to the other end and back again”. There was a look of protest on Elaine’s face. Maggie wardrobe simply stared. Elaine lay down and rolled to the left and to the right. “Just sit up but stay there!” Elaine obeyed. I waited for Maggie wardrobe to give her a biscuit and a pat on the head. Maggie makeup assistant bent over her and rubbed her hands over Elaine’s face. Maggie hair assistant ran her hands through Elaine’s hair. “Thank you dahling, they’re waiting for you on set. Go on..chop chop!” As she walked away Glenn and I burst into Chim-chimminee, chim-chimminee, chim, chim charree …..There was a look, you know, the girlie death-ray look.

Three days on location with lots to do and limited time in which to do it and it was obvious to me that some people are equipped to simply get on with things while others prefer to fret and fume. On day one I noticed a girl with flame red hair in a black leather cat suit stood in the middle of the mayhem doing her best to make her face turn purple and stare hard enough at the director so that he would spontaneously combust. I never saw her do any work but she was ever present and always about to commit murder. Such is the life of a “TV type” thought I. Not so as it transpired!

Rule one when working on a film or TV location – Nothing should strike you as out of the ordinary. Rule two – If anything strikes you as out of the ordinary see Rule 1. Remember? Do you also remember the location geography? Did you think that the Crystal Dome massage parlour was a bit of added creativity? So did I but it wasn’t. It was one of the few places on the location which was as advertised. The purple faced flame haired girl worked there but for 3 days business was slow. In her establishment she did not give massages in the traditional sense of the word, she was more a purveyor of physical companionship. We TV types were scaring off her clientele. Imagine you are Norman who travels in office supplies. You have spent all week adjusting your expenses in order to free up the required amount so that you may enjoy a visit to the Crystal Dome massage parlour. Full of the joys of spring you park your car a discrete distance from the establishment and walk briskly down the street humming light opera as you mentally prepare for an encounter of the intimate kind. You turn the corner full of excitement and see blocking you route to paradise 5 Police Cars, 3 Ambulances, 2 Fire and Rescue vehicles and 12 uniformed Police Officers chatting informally about the track record of Bristol City Football Club’s new manager. Question. Do you (A) Fight your way though the crowd insisting that you saw her first or ( Sprint back to your car at 70 mph ? Look on the bright side, Norman’s wife probably got an unexpected box of Belgian chocolates and a bunch of roses………..and may be something else if the kids were out playing with their friends!

[melissa eX]

ah...so nothing is as it seems...

Should we stick around do we find out that it was Normans wife who got suspicious and strangled the....

Sorry ... wrong story. Way too obvious anyway.

[ccpetersen]

Some years ago I was on the set of a popular American sci-fi show and watching them do a master shot of one scene. The "star" of the show was on a stage, dressed in an amazingly complex bit of costumery which left her unable to bend over or do much of anything but stand there and declaim her lines. She had a mic hidden in her clothes. Two co-stars were blocking out a short scuffle in front of the stage. Offstage, catering had just set up what smelled like an Italian feast. Everybody casts longing eyes at the lunch table.

Director calls for quiet. Everybody quiets down. Just as they're about to start the shoot, this amazingly loud stomach rumbling comes out of small speakers in front of the stage. "Star" bursts out laughing, co-stars are rolling on the floor laughing, director is practically choking trying not to laugh. We in the peanut gallery are laughing. Finally "star" straightens up and yells "I AM HUNGRY and I HAVE TO PEE!!!"

Brings the house down.

They finally got the shot done, and director called a halt for lunch.
_________________
Charter Member: Threadjackers Local 420

[Lee Gordon]