VO-BB - 19 YEARS OLD!

Don Hammock · Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 9:33 am Post subject: Asking for input

Gang, first off all sorry for the multiple post. Only with Elaine's help- I FINALLY got it fixed( The disable BCC button was the culprit)

Please critique-Good,Bad or UGLY ! ( Yes, Dave it's still Open Season LOLOL)

Thanks for the input(And thanks again Elaine),

Don

http://speakingofhomes.hammockcreative.com/Speaking_of_Homes/Harrell.html

Jeffrey Kafer · Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 11:55 am Post subject:

Can you tell use a little bit more about the intended use of these? These obviously aren't demo reels. Who is your audience?
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Don Hammock · Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 12:39 pm Post subject: Audience

Sorry,

These are for a Funeral Home website. The Main page, Pre-arrangement page, and Services provided page.

Thanks,
Don

Jeffrey Kafer · Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 12:52 pm Post subject:

ok, I don't know how to tell you this without it sounding mean and hopefully you won't take it that way, but when I hear you read, I feel like I'm being talked down to. I got the same feeling when I visited your website and your narration told me about how narration "brings websites to life!".

Maybe it's the enthusiasm. I don't think funeral home pages should sound so.... happy. Then again, I don't think websites should talk, but that's a whole 'nuther thread.

Also, I think you over-emphasize words with pauses, which might be part of the problem. Example, "Families have their.... own.... traditions". There's no reason to emphasize "own" as much as you do.

I'm sure I'm being nitpicky here but there's something about it that just isn't playing right in my ears. I certainly hope I'm the only one!
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Jeff
http://JeffreyKafer.com
Voice-overload Web comic: http://voice-overload.com

asnively · Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 2:39 pm Post subject:

Just a few thoughts (sorry! I wish I could be more complimentary!)--

Emphasis in odd places in just about every sentence
Staccato, unnatural read
A high-pitched buzz throughout
A few clicks here and there
Had a "Daddy reading a story" tone to it

I'd recommend a do-over. I'm sorry!
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Bailey · Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 3:03 pm Post subject:

I think I understand where Jeff is coming from. The website narrative seemed a bit "Mr. Rogers" to me... that's probably a bad comparison, but maybe someone else will pick it up.

The funeral "promo"...
People always think funeral commercials have to reflect the quiet and reverence of walking into a room full of corpses in caskets. One thing to remember... your commercial is being directed to a living person... he may not even be near death... he doesn't want to think about being a stiff... and he doesn't want to dwell on the sorrows that may remain after his demise. I'm not saying the commercial needs to be "monster truck"... or even "come on down and get a great deal today". Most people may just want the facts about what services you have to offer in the way of getting you up the river "Styx"... and making sure that your family sees you floating off in a respectable boat.
Wink

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Dave · Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 5:59 pm Post subject:

Don,

First of all... is this a gig you got paid for... or is this s demo... I'm a little confused?

The reason I ask, if its something you have been hired to do and the client is happy with what you have delivered... then who cares what anybody thinks. Rock On!

But, if this is a demo or promo for what you hope to develop into a niche market... it could use a little polish here and there and many of the comments you've received would be useful.

Dave (you talk'n to me?)
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Don Hammock · Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2007 11:05 am Post subject: Thanks

Thanks yall. I will be talking to the Funeral Director and considering a re-do.

Thanks again everybody for help.

Don

chriswagner · Contributor IV Joined: 02 Apr 2007 Posts: 114

Hey, I think you could definately give it a better treatment. It's there.. it's just not coming through. And the sound quality is really muddy on our voice, it gets buried in the music. See if you can't find a way to brighten it up a bit.

I agree with the other posts as far as odd pauses in unnatural places.