VO-BB - 20 YEARS OLD!

[Philip Banks]

I wrote this some time ago and sent it to someone....Just thought it was worth sharing.

Hey, nice voice but what should I do with it?
Talk to me, share with me, encourage me.
Entice me, cajole me, seduce me.
Make me smile, make me think, make me cry or even tell me something I didn't know.
If you insist on voice overing AT me, the best you can hope for is polite deafness.

[Spacegypsy]

Banksey, your writing is so funny, I'd love to read a whole book by you - please write some more! Or, a comedy drama based on voice overs....

[Philip Banks]

What a lovely thing to say, thank you. I have a pile of rubbish on my hard drive which I'll post until I hear from DB's lawyers .....worth adding a quick apology to anyone who has read these before.

…..and I thought no one would pay me for my looks!



More fool me is all I can say to the title of this piece.

If you are the public face of your company say, on reception or PA to the CEO of an NGO in the USA rather than an SME (enough corporate speak for you), how you present yourself is important. As for me, I go through life looking like an unmade bed. How I sound is king.

“You are going to be SO cross with me!” It was my favourite girl in the world on the phone.

“Go on” I said wondering what was coming next.

“I’ve just given your details to a researcher from the BBC. They’re looking for someone who sounds gorgeous but looks like John Merrick’s ugly brother and I said I knew exactly the person they needed”. No I didn’t blow a fuse I just listened to the rest of the details then put the phone down.

Ten minutes later the phone rang again and it was Tanya, the researcher from the BBC. The science unit were making a series called Senses for transmission on BBC1, BBC World and Discovery. So why did they want me?

Do our senses fool us? Do you make assumptions about a person based on how they sound? We all do it seems. So the production team decided to set up an experiment at Nottingham University. Presumably they also got someone who looked like Brad Pitt and sounded like Joe Pasquale or PeeWee Hurman. By the way, to be politically correct I am not ugly, I am just not considered “classically attractive”.

It would be easy to say something out of sight and make it sound sexy, so in order to test perceptions I was required to deliver an innocent line from behind a screen.

“At the third beep it will be 10 past 12” not the greatest chat up line in the world is it?
Didn’t sound any better after the head and shoulder shot, the close up, the mouth, the eyes, the silhouette. It was a pleasant afternoon and as I was the only professional being used I was treated by the entire production crew like a star, a “non-classically attractive” star, to be precise.

Did I ham it up and act sadder and lonelier and uglier than I am? YEP! Hopefully I will came across as one of life’s tragic rejects – Note to self: add to CV “can perform with tongue planted firmly in cheek”.

When this series eventually hits your TV screens it will be interesting to see what you think. Sound is a particularly tricky thing and I know that Steve the location sound man was keen not to compromise on quality because (to be read in best Sarf London accent) “..of Philip’s fantastic voice”. Very flattering to me. To be fair he was also keen to get the correct mic position when I was revealed to the listening ladies, as the sound of a jaw hitting the floor can be so poignant with the correct EQ.

Hows this for my new business card – Philip Banks, voice over/ham/trainee supermodel ?

[Spacegypsy]

Sounds like you got your first episode of the Voice Over comedy series right there, Banksey!

I do get a LOT of invitations to dinner, and questions about whether I am married, from clients who drool about my voice. It perhaps also is a little misleading that the pics on my website are 20 years old

As is my avatar today.....

[Philip Banks]

As a direct result of seeing some of the posts in the gear section of this site my local, Lottery funded experimental dance troop are rehearsing a new dance in honour of the MBox2.

Lemon Curd of Sarajevo are a dedicated troop of volunteer professional dancers who prefer to choreograph "issue based" pieces.

The dance is an anxt ridden piece - The delivery
Plug n Play
Issues and A/D
24 bit suicide
USB to heaven and hell

Irena Comonova (29) is wonderful as Sergei the blue, homeless USB lead and I would also like to highlight the dazzling solo performed by Ivan Triver (23) who plays the unco-operative Padraig ProTools. Whilst it was not even a full dress rehearsal I admit that I cried when both Plug and Play died.

The tour starts in mid November so I'll let you know dates and venues as soon as I know.

[Spacegypsy]

Haha - Please let me have first dibs on auditioning for the animated version as Ms. Kuhl Edeet, an ageing interface yet still not past her prime.

I will be purchasing extra Lottery tickets in abundance this weekend to help with funding.

[PJHawke]

I would like to read for the part of "Phantom" Powers, mysterious patron/advocate of the hero Mike. I know I don't look 48, but he's seldom seen and I know I could give an electrifying performance.

PJ

[Philip Banks]

For the animation project the cast list and voice types are as follows. The internationally recognised people should help as a reference point

Phantom Power - A voice Like Tom Baker or Alf Roberts. He is grand yet with a caring edge

Ms Kuhl Edeet - Chirpy and engaging like any Walford Market stall holder.

Padraig Protools - Terry Wogan with an impish charm.

Plug - Complete git like Duncan my ex-wife's new boyfriend

Play - Roy Hattersley following a sharp blow from a cricket bat.

Sergei USB - Bryn Terfel only a little more of a Mumbles lilt.

Break a leg everyone, no really, break a leg. The best performances will shine through your pain.

[Philip Banks]

Now a good exercise for character developement.

> The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review (It could just have easily occurred in NYC or Los Angeles):

> Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
> Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
> RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
> G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
> RS: "Ow July den?"
> G: "What??"
> RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
> G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

> RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
> G: "Crisp will be fine."
> RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
> G: "What?
> RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
> G: "I don't think so."
> RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
> G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

> RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
> bodder?"

> G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
> Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

> RS: "We bodder?"

> G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

> RS: "Wad?"
> G: "I mean butter..just put it on the side."
> RS: "Copy?"
> G: "Excuse me?"
> RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
> G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

> RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."

[SheSpeaksCopy]

OHHH.... my....word!.....LMAO.....stillllllll.....tryinggggg 2 type and laaaaaaaaaugh....hard toooooo do when writhhinggg on the floooooooor lafffffffffffffing..........

AHHhhhhhhhhh

I feel so much better now that I'm back in my chair! That hit my funny bone in just the right spot. Nearly every restaurant, grocery store, bank, etc. in Northern VA. is loaded with smiling people who don't speak English (or American) as their first language. I mange fine when speaking to them in person but, a phone conversation is almost impossible.

Please, somebody on this forum perform this as a demo comedy skit....PLEASE???? I've got quite a few people I'd like to see fall on the floor from laughter over this one!

[allensco]

hah hah hah hah aaaahhhh....geeezz. roon sirbees! that's great phillip! thanks for sharing an anglish moppin we bodder on sigh....sounds reeeaally good right now!

[Deirdre]

http://www.illwillpress.com/tech.html

Foamy calls computer tech support.
"This &*%^$ is actin' up like a troubled child on crack."

**WARNING**
Blatant stereotypes.
On both sides.


_________________
DBCooperVO.com
IMDB

[Philip Banks]

My knees are sore and head is spinning as I have just returned from the Wallingford Moodstone Retreat Centre. Nettlerash decided to hold a one day “Argh!” Workshop and as a friend she offered me a free place.

“Right, this is going to be like well releasing ok” she muttered to the 26 Argh Workshop attendees. It was hard not to stare as her preamble was peppered with “not so hard you little bleeder” and “suck don't blow, that is SO not the way to do it”. Our instructor was at the time breast feeding the twins, Dandelion and Burdock.

Seeing that Piers, a middle-aged total qualitative management input consultant from Bicester was looking awkward, Nettlerash thought she'd help.

“It's like well natural to do guy. Would you like to hold one of them?” Piers half smiled.

“Er, quite, well, oh, thank you, yes” he stepped forward.

“Oi! I meant one of the twins man!!” He recoiled not knowing quite where to look.

Piers was then shown how to have ownership of his embarrassment and acknowledge the anger he felt at not being permitted a grope. He curled up into a ball and started to moan, then roar as he started to rise. Springing into the air like a gymnast he “arghed” for all he was worth.

“I own my anger ARRRRRGH! I release myself real emotion ARRRRRRGH!” he repeated as he bounced around like Tigger. Dandelion and Burdock belched and vomited at the same time. Nettlerash didn't flinch, she just looked down.

“Amazing, guy! Like they are in tune with the poison inside you and have like released it for you. I'm like well glad that all of you are like here so that you could share that moment. Guy, I'm going to affirm you with like a hug.” Balancing a baby on each shoulder in heart stopping fashion she hugged Piers for a good 30 seconds.
“Nice one man”. Piers looked down at his now soiled T-shirt and we then continued to spring, argh and vent our spleens, copying the method shown to Piers.

After a few hours Nettlerash walked me to my car, no longer topless and with Dandelion and Burdock in a double buggy.

“The bit with Piers broke the ice” I remarked. She winked as she kissed me goodbye.

“Yeah, right. Like and the hug was a really cool way to wipe the sick of me jugs.

[Philip Banks]

There is no easy way of saying this – Stonehenge has a big mouth!!! As he has blabbed, I shall. His real name is Gervais Tollamanche-Spencer-Keynes! Hah!
About what did he blab? Here goes, the entire sorry tale.

I received a package a couple of days ago from Nettlerash (Stonehenge’s chosen lifestyle partner). It was a jar of cream and with it a note.

“Yo, love and positive vibes guy.
Stonhenge was open with me about your problem, like if you go swimming together (beautiful man) and like you get changed like before and after, you like notice things right? With like any chick there are like limits.

If like you need to show your lady the beauty of the physical act guy, like single digit centimetres are well uncool. This like herbal enhancement balm will like add to your like lack.

Use it twice a day guy until you think enough is like enough. You may like need another tub which is cool like just ask.

Stay special, group hug to you guy

Nettlerash, Stonehenge and sprogs Dandelion and Burdock”

A –I didn’t know it was a problem.
B- I didn’t realise Stonehenge was peeping

As it turned out, 57 phone calls from Jill, my fellow thespian in the Portgordon Players made me realise that her interest in me went further than acting, she was subtle about it.

“Look, my interest in you goes further than just acting. Come up to the house at 7 tonight for a drink. We’ll have the place to ourselves as father is playing bowls in Sunderland” she purred into the phone. Strange that a 41 year old woman should still be living with her father, oh well it takes all sorts to make a world.

The arrangements were made at 11am and although I had no expectations I felt I ought to play safe and heed the judgement of Stonhenge and Nettlerash by starting my course of treatment. I couldn’t help thinking that in a few months I may need “the enhancement” as they put it.

Application in the privacy of my bathroom was easy, no more details except to say that the aroma of lavender was pleasant whereas I wasn’t too keen on the heat and tingle.

At 6.45pm as I was heading for the front door the telephone rang. My heart sank as I thought the first date with Jill was going to be cancelled. Reasonable assumption as she is very pretty and I’m …..well me.

“Inner beauty and vibes, guy” It was Nettlerash. “Like, the page blew three ahead”
she continued

“You’re not making any sense” I said.

“Okay, right the cream for your Karma for her Sutra. It has some like added ingredients. I left the room to breast feed Dandelion and Burdock and like the door well slammed and blew over like three total pages. Like your enhancer has been like well enhanced. Should be, well okay to use but like watch out for like side effects guy.” She assured me that nothing was going to fall off and no damage would be done and as I trusted her we left it at that.

At Jill’s place worries about my application soon disappeared and we enjoyed red wine, pasta in a yummy sauce, then talked and talked and talked about our lives our hope and dreams. Wonderful! She looked very nice.

“You look good enough to eat” I smiled and she snuggled into me on the settee and kissed me. She could’ve waited until doomsday for me to make the first move, shyness and reserve! I could run courses.

No one needs a biology lesson, so shall we say that hot passionate kissing made things happen in my lower area, quite natural. BUT, the natural physiological reaction also caused a chemical reaction to take place in the cream which I had earlier applied. Nothing to worry about I thought, just a little hot and in any event we would not be going “that far” for months.

Both of my hands were wrapped around Jill and so it was not I who was undoing my lower clothing. I gulped, she turned and looked down at my lap then let out an earth shaking screamed, rushed out of the room, ran upstairs and locked herself in her bedroom.

I looked down at “my lap”, somewhat puzzled. Are you familiar with the term phosphorescence? Under certain conditions, certain chemicals become a light source. Furthermore as the chemistry and physical temperature changes the colour of the light changes. Stunned I looked on as my………1 second red intense glow, 2 seconds green ( sort of lime) intense glow, blue intense glow 3 seconds, yellow flash and then back to red (Fire engine red). I went upstairs and pleaded and tried to explain. As hard as I tried to convince her, Jill was not going to unlock the bedroom door.

“I don’t know what you are….Go away!!” she sobbed. “It would be like sleeping with a mobile disco!”

Going home was my only choice. Not a problem except that the chemistry had not calmed down. Light cotton trousers became lit cotton trousers. My journey took me past both pubs in Portgordon as they threw their drinkers out onto the street. Some I suspect in the cold light of the following day would pledge never to touch another drop. As for me, I’m right off herbal creams and as far as thinking size is important, I’ve seen the light.


Urgently required, a bit of bridge building. Having scared Jill, the new love of my life with the very illuminating Right honourable member for Portgordon North, I had to do something.

“……brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favourite things” as the song from The sound of Music goes. In my brown paper package was the jar of balm and the note from Nettlerash, I left both on Jill’s doorstep very early Sunday morning. Jill saw the note was on Wallingford Retreat Centre headed notepaper and phoned Nettlerash – Hands up who would have liked to have been a fly on the wall during that conversation!!

10 am my phone rings. A familiar Scot’s accent affected the turn of phrase of someone else.

“Like, I well see guy. The chick like well explained everything! (Jill giggles and then starts to sing) You light up my life ……(Bursts out laughing, then back to proper voice). Och you fair scared the sh*ite out of me.” Mother rushes to the phone and grabs it.

“Run for your life, run for you life! Aliens spotted in the village last night. They have Ray-guns instead of cheeky bits! One of them opened fire on the Fisherman’s Beets pub and then went to the Lobsterman’s Crabs Hotel and did the same!!!! Save yourself!!!!” she screamed. I heard Jill collapse in hysterics, mother slammed down the receiver. “They may mock, but when their molecular structure is scrambled by a state of the art groinal implant weapon they’ll be laughing from the other side of their faces. How would you feel if someone stuck what was seen last night in your face and threatened to open fire?” I had to leave the room.

Later mother decided to climb onto the roof clad in baco-foil with a flask of coffee, sandwiches, 5 wagon wheels (the chocolate biscuits), a chamber pot and a broom handle with a kitchen knife taped to the end. This was a “five wagon wheel siege” which meant she would be up there for two days. It also meant I could enjoy two days of freedom.

At lunchtime I went to Jill’s place and we then visited both hostelries in the village. Jill had had an idea. Most of the young clubbers who travel to Elgin or further a field tend to go in for a “hair of the dog”.

Phase one, I explain, editing slightly, what happened last night. We then offer our new product (Jill managed to put the remaining contents of my one large jar into 50 small jars which used to contain lip gloss, I think) to the clubbers for application to their “bits” for their next big night out! Clever girl! 50 jars at £15 per jar.

Next Friday night we are going to LuLu Belle’s club in Elgin….As the night heats up there will be a spectacle which will defy description and hopefully put mother on the roof for at least a month.

[SheSpeaksCopy]

Ohhhhhh Banksey....how I do LOVE to read about your adventures!